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Initiating 101

Overcoming Common Roadblocks and Tips for Couples


One big reason married couples end up seeking advice is the mismatch in how often they want sex and how they go about starting it. So, let’s dive right into it!


Common Stumbling Blocks in Initiating Intimacy:

  • Stress: Life’s busyness, work demands, and just plain old tiredness can zap you both, leaving little energy for closeness.

  • Body Image Worries: Feeling insecure about your body might make you or your spouse shy away from getting physical.

  • Past Hurts: Old wounds or emotional baggage can make it tough to open up and start something intimate.

  • Different Sex Drives: When one spouse wants sex more than the other, it can lead to tension and make starting things awkward.

  • Feeling Disconnected: If you’re not feeling emotionally close, that can make it hard to get physically close.

  • Ongoing Arguments: Lingering disagreements can make the bedroom feel like the last place you want to be.

  • Parenting Duties: When kids are in the picture, finding the time and energy for each other can be really tough.

  • Too Much Screen Time: Phones and screens can be a big distraction from focusing on each other.


How Wives Can Initiate: From our chats with husbands on Instagram, here’s what they say works:

  • Slip into something a little more comfortable (like lingerie).

  • Or go for nothing at all!

  • Long, lingering kisses.

  • Sometimes, just reaching for his hand is enough.

  • Or just say what you need – communication works wonders!


How Husbands Can Initiate: Ladies tell us that they love it when their husbands:

  • Increase non-sexual touches – it’s about intimacy, not just the act.

  • Focus on her during intimate moments – show her she’s what matters.

  • Try some long, meaningful kisses.

  • Be direct – sometimes just asking straightforwardly is best.

  • Flirt a bit! Bring back that dating charm.


What If No One Makes the First Move? If you’re both hesitant, why not try something like the Ultimate Intimacy scratch-off cards designed for initiating? Or, set a schedule. Knowing when it’s ‘date night’ can take the pressure off having to decide who starts.


What If I’m Always the One? If you find you’re always initiating, it might be worth a deeper conversation. There might be many reasons your spouse isn’t starting things – stress, confidence, or maybe they just don’t realize it. Remember, there are different types of desire:

  1. Spontaneous Desire: Getting excited just thinking about intimacy.

  2. Responsive Desire: Getting into the mood once things get going. Understanding each other’s style can make a big difference. Both are normal and can mesh well with a bit of talk and understanding.


Navigating intimacy in marriage is a journey filled with learning and growing together. Whether you're slipping into something special, sending flirty texts, or scheduling time together, the key is open and honest communication. Remember, intimacy is not just about physical closeness but about continuously building emotional and spiritual connections. So, keep the conversation going, explore your desires together, and most importantly, enjoy the journey of deepening your love and commitment to each other.


And if you want to hear more about us chat about it, come listen here to this episode!

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